SactoDan

Humor: It’s Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’ The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

Sheriff Joe Arpaio for President, A list of common sense

SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN! You all remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona who painted the jail cells pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb. Well, SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!

Oh, there’s MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe! Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors said okay. The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who’d like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dog s off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows. The best part - his budget for the entire department is now under $3 million.

I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him. Cost us $78. The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc.

He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals. I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand.

He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat and fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the holidays and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the prison. Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote.

Now he’s in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn’t doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border.

He’s kind of a ‘Git-R Dun’ kind of Sheriff. TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO. HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF, AND HE KEEPS BEING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.. THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY: Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ) who created the ‘Tent City Jail’: **He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

**He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails.

**Took away their weights.

**Cut off all but ‘G’ movies.

**He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

**Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn’t get sued for discrimination.

**He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails, so he hooked up the cable TV again, BUT only let in the Disney channel and the Weather channel.

**When asked why the weather channel, he replied, “So they will know how hot it’s gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.”

**He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

**When the inmates complained, he told them, “This isn’t The Ritz/Carlton; If you don’t like it, don’t come back.”

More On The Arizona Sheriff: With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their PINK SOCKS. “It feels like we are in a furnace,” said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the TENTS for 1 year. “It’s inhumane.”

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates, “It’s 120 degrees in Iraq, and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn’t commit any crimes, so shut your mouths!”

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it’s time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can go back to jail to live on taxpayers’ money and enjoy things taxpayers can’t afford to have for themselves.

Humor: …and that’s when the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…

Humor: ….and that’s how the fight started…

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

Vegas Mayor Puts Wayne Newton Ahead Of Barak Obama

However, the mayor says he still won’t get to meet with the president when he campaigns tonight and Friday in Las Vegas.

“I wish I could. I wish I could be out there,” Goodman said.

However, the time the White House set aside for the two of them didn’t work out — Goodman has already scheduled a meeting at that time with a major dignitary from the entertainment field.

“I’m meeting with Wayne Newton at 5,” Goodman said. “That’s been set up for over a week.”

Source

Humor: Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. That’s nice,’ she thinks, ’ but I want more. ’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. Wow, ’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework Oh, mercy me! ’ she exclaims, ’ I can hardly stand it! ’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex..

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.